I don't know if I blame it on getting older or maybe it is just a part of life, but all of a sudden I'm having more conversations about death. Months ago my husband and I had an honest one about death and funerals. I raised the question about why certain things were done at funerals (i.e., open caskets, people giving remorseful speeches to the deceased, the repast, etc.). Where did it all come from? For some reason, it all seemed gloomy, sad, depressing, and to some extent pointless. This lead me to actually look into some of my questions.
Believe it or not, I didn't find much concrete information, but I did find some useful information. During slavery, it was against the law for Blacks to give their loved ones a proper funeral/burial. Slaves were prohibited from any gatherings in fear that they would revolt against their masters. So the deceased were buried without any kind of "service". Eventually, there was a rebellion and masters were force to make concessions just to keep the peace. Services were a happy occasion because slaves saw death as being able to go home to be with Jesus; a relief from the agony that they suffered (see
http://www.woodsvalentinemortuary.com/The_History_of_African-American_Funeral_Service_320351.html for additional information).
That piece of information was insightful. I mean, it makes perfect sense that they would be happy to see their fellow slaves "free". But what does it mean for us today? After really pondering I knew exactly what bothered me more than anything. It wasn't really the funeral but more so people using it as an opportunity to say things about the deceased that they never shared while they were alive.
Regret can be destroying. I don't know when it became so hard to vocalize your appreciation for people but you see it more and more. People seem to give more voice to their "haters" than they do to that individual who helped changed their lives. I always tell my kids how important it is to do what is right the first time because you may never get a second opportunity.
In essence, this turned out to be a great conversation to have, although a dreadful topic. I learned that I view some things differently but it doesn't necessary make what others do wrong. I recognize that the way a person is buried has more to do with the people left to do it than the actual deceased. BUT there are some things you can do to make it more peaceful. Think about what are you living for: Will it be hard for people to actually celebrate your life? Will you leave a legacy? We are all here to fulfill a purpose no matter how off path we may be at this current time.
I was a teen when my aunt passed unexpectedly. I can still remember pondering whether or not she knew I loved her. It became a question I constantly asked God. I wanted nothing more than one chance to tell her how much I loved her. I was young and didn't know then, like I know now, that (1) actions can show a person that you love them and (2) the benefit of giving people their flowers now helps both them and you.
The reality is we don't know how many opportunities we will have to give share love. That's just how this thing called life works. It is also why God tells us to forgive. I implore that you use the opportunity that you have and not wait until that person can no longer hear you or appreciate the gesture. Because no matter how you grieve, living life without regret only helps the process.
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