Unperfected Love

Have you ever taken some time out to think about where you would be if no one loved you through your mess? The hardest time...you know, when you weren't exactly likable, let alone loveable?

If you have, then you realize how much forgiveness coincides with love.  Love is used so loosely these days.  So much, that I’m confident that most people have no clue what all it entails.  Considering,  Merriam-Webster has so many definitions of loveit is no surprise that we all have our own personal definitions:

1.      Attraction based on sexual desire

2.      Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest

3.      A person’s adoration of God

4.      Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for good of another

Thing is, we often hear about how we wish Big Momma/Mema was still living and how great the family was when she was around.  How you ever sat and pondered why this was?  I have, let me submit my theory:

See Big Momma wasn’t chasing the American dream (all about me and mine).  She wasn’t trying to create a family; while the “family” grew (cause we had those play brothers/sisters/cousins) it was only because everyone she came in contact with she treated with the upmost respect and love.  She repeatedly told us, “We family. We all we got.” (Can’t you hear it?)  But here’s the biggest difference, she was able to see beyond the person to see the need.  See, while she didn’t accept the mess (cause she was definitely going to set you straight) you never felt like an outcast, that she didn't have time, or worse, that you weren't apart of the family.

Yeah, she displayed that 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 love.  I, in no way am saying that you allow any and everything.  That’s not the point.  The point is, compassion goes a long way.  Somebody has to love you beyond your mess!

 

 

Give Me My Flowers Now!

I don't know if I blame it on getting older or maybe it is just a part of life, but all of a sudden I'm having more conversations about death.  Months ago my husband and I had an honest one about death and funerals.  I raised the question about why certain things were done at funerals (i.e., open caskets, people giving remorseful speeches to the deceased, the repast, etc.).  Where did it all come from?  For some reason, it all seemed gloomy, sad, depressing, and to some extent pointless. This lead me to actually look into some of my questions.

Believe it or not, I didn't find much concrete information, but I did find some useful information.  During slavery, it was against the law for Blacks to give their loved ones a proper funeral/burial.  Slaves were prohibited from any gatherings in fear that they would revolt against their masters.  So the deceased were buried without any kind of "service".  Eventually, there was a rebellion and masters were force to make concessions just to keep the peace.  Services were a happy occasion because slaves saw death as being able to go home to be with Jesus; a relief from the agony that they suffered (see
http://www.woodsvalentinemortuary.com/The_History_of_African-American_Funeral_Service_320351.html for additional information).

That piece of information was insightful.  I mean, it makes perfect sense that they would be happy to see their fellow slaves "free".  But what does it mean for us today?  After really pondering I knew exactly what bothered me more than anything.  It wasn't really the funeral but more so people using it as an opportunity to say things about the deceased that they never shared while they were alive.

Regret can be destroying.  I don't know when it became so hard to vocalize your appreciation for people but you see it more and more.  People seem to give more voice to their "haters" than they do to that individual who helped changed their lives.  I always tell my kids how important it is to do what is right the first time because you may never get a second opportunity.  

In essence, this turned out to be a great conversation to have, although a dreadful topic.  I learned that I view some things differently but it doesn't necessary make what others do wrong.  I recognize that the way a person is buried has more to do with the people left to do it than the actual deceased.  BUT there are some things you can do to make it more peaceful.  Think about what are you living for:  Will it be hard for people to actually celebrate your life?  Will you leave a legacy?  We are all here to fulfill a purpose no matter how off path we may be at this current time.

I was a teen when my aunt passed unexpectedly.  I can still remember pondering whether or not she knew I loved her.  It became a question I constantly asked God.  I wanted nothing more than one chance to tell her how much I loved her.  I was young and didn't know then, like I know now, that (1) actions can show a person that you love them and (2) the benefit of giving people their flowers now helps both them and you.

The reality is we don't know how many opportunities we will have to give share love.  That's just how this thing called life works.  It is also why God tells us to forgive.  I implore that you use the opportunity that you have and not wait until that person can no longer hear you or appreciate the gesture.  Because no matter how you grieve, living life without regret only helps the process.

Let's be real

As I continue my efforts to becoming the best me I can be I've come across some things that I'm not too proud about. Don't get me wrong because I'm not surprised at all by my findings--TRUE self-evaluation brings this and it isn't the first time these issues have been brought to the forefront but apparently this time I must be more prepared to actually deal with them.

Love.Forgive

I've never really thought of myself as an unloving person; while I can't say the same about forgiveness. You cross me once that's my fault but I would always make sure that you wouldn't get a second chance at that. So in my life I can look back and see where relationships (platonic and otherwise) were lost or even not created due to this type of harshness (yeah it's harsh). I in no way am suggesting that we be apart of unhealthy relationships but I know that all of the relationships that I have turned away from haven't been because of unhealthy reasons. Point blank, I've practiced selective love and forgiveness. Now some may not see a problem with that but I beg to differ:

John 13:34-35
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

1 John 4:11
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Of course you know I could go on. Now don't you go to thinking that I'm this totally heartless person because that's not at all the point or who I am. But if you stop and think about it, it really is easier to love the people you like and forgive the people you love.

These are the areas in my life that I need to improve; the challenges I need to overcome--loving and forgiving my "enemies". It is a hard cookie to swallow. I don't have the answers or a plan as to how tackle this, which for me it also hard (I'm used to having Plans A-D and E if I need it). But what I do know is that there are some things in life that you can't handle in and of your own strength: God can only help you to fix what you have first acknowledged. He will stretch you beyond your comfort zone wanting you to lean on Him. And you WILL take the test until you pass it.

So as I cast my cares, my hope is that you will do your own self-evaluation. Don't beat yourself up about what you find but work to make it better.

Someone recently told me and I'll share it with you: The way you treat other people is a direct reflection of your relationship with Christ.

Let us work to share some agape

Reflection

2009 was a challenging year. It was a year the encompassed a lot of deaths and wrong decisions. As I reflect though, I realize that while I did not accomplish growth in the areas that I wanted to, it does not mean that I didn't grow. I learned a lot, even if some of my lesson were in what NOT to do. With all of the challenges that I faced this year there are so many things and people that come to mind when I think of overcoming.

Tina K.: I have never met a person more focus and determined to accomplish her dreams. She was the epitome of focus and drive. While her life was short lived, I don't have a doubt in my mind that she died empty; meaning that she gave all that she had. She touched many lives and changed mines forever.

Mia W.: What a wonderful soul. She was the epitome of true sisterhood and strength. She fought a long battle with cancer. Even when things looked bleak, she found the light. I know that God was with her because one could not have that kind of strength in and of themselves. Mia had a lot of dreams and goals that she did not live to accomplish but I believe that she accomplished the most important ones, that of love, peace, and forgiveness.

I used to wonder why God would allow me to meet these women, connect with them, and then take them away from me, at what still appears to me, untimely. And while I may never know the answer to that I am yet grateful for them and all that they added to my life and all that they continue to add to my life: I honor them.


Kevin M.: I don't believe there is a man on this earth who could love me more. I know that you are God sent. You balance me and show me true faith and love. Even when you make me mad, I know that you love me just as Christ loved the church and as your own body (Eph 5). From you I learn to stand even in the midst of adversity. The Bible says, "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers".
(1 Peter 3:6-8)

I need you to pray because your prayers are not hindered.


With that said, I want 2010 to reflect all that they accomplished so well and all that they remind me of: faith, love, peace, sisterhood, forgiveness, drive and determination. I even the more realize that while I haven't found my purpose career-wise that doesn't mean much. My career is not tied to my person AND it isn't how I would want to be remembered anyway. Life is about way more than that and I'm thankful that 2009 allowed me to learn the difference.


So as you bring in the New Year, my prayer is that you take time and focus on how you will strive to be a better spouse, mother/father, sister/brother, friend. I pray that you will spread love and hope. I pray that the distractions and challenges that will come next year won't prevent you from seeing all the blessings of life.

Learn the lessons. Live life to its fullest and don't forget to show love.

Dear Chris,

We are being inundated with interviews, videos, etc and it really has become sickening. As many of you know I love music and can usually separate the music from the person but this situation seems to be irritating the heck out of me and here's why?

I know that both of them are young and prayerfully have a long life ahead of them. I also know that they have a career to think about but I often wonder if anyone in either of their camps sat them down and told them to think about the bigger picture. Unfortunately the bigger picture is not their career, being a spokesperson for domestic violence, donating money, being a role model for others, or even moving on (I'll explain this one later). It is so much more important that they gain more knowledge about themselves, their behaviors and learn how to love themselves. All of thee above takes time; time that neither have spent. Instead it appears that the only time they have spent is strategically planning how they were going to repair their celebrity status and/or image. It saddens me to think (and I really hope I'm wrong) that people care more about the dollar than they do about life lessons. Better yet, it saddens me to think that people no longer care about character. I guess that is how it is though when you are surrounded by people who depend on your career to put food in their mouths. But in my opinion, it speaks volume to even their character.

So often during this media frenzy over Chris Brown and Rhianna I have wished that I could have offered Chris some advice. Since I know that will never happen I figured I could write my blog and at least get it off of my chest (sort of speak).

That brings me to this, what I would have said:

It is hard to listen to all of these interviews because you know that part of it is scripted and made with one goal in mind: to salvage your career. So while it may be good to hear that you are sorry and are doing things to make sure that it doesn't happen again, filtering the truth is hard. Only you and God truly know if that is really the case. Nevertheless, the forgiveness of your fans shouldn't be what you are seeking right now and your priorities are mixed up. There are times in life that we are issued a second chance and when we are we have to make sure that we do right by them. It is NEVER enough to just get passed an incident we are required to do more --like making sure we learn from them. This takes time and attention; attention that may cause you to be away from things and people that you may love and care about. Money can come and go but character...character stands the test of time and is always more important than the last. I realize that others may care about you but their caring apparently isn't greater than the need to take care of "their needs". To sum it all up, it can only a testimony after the test has been passed.

Anyhow, that's my take on whole thing and now I can bury it. I wish the both of them love and healing. Even though they've chosen a different way of doing it, for whatever reasons right or wrong, I hope that they don't let the second chance be a failure.

Agape never fails, have you shown it today?

It really is powerful!

This past weekend was Homecoming. The short version is that it was GREAT!! While the weekend was truly about seeing people you hadn't seen in a while it and of course partying, when I sit and reflect the power of relationship, love and upliftment comes to mind. Growing up I never had a group of female friends as it always lead to drama for one reason or another. But one thing that rings truth for me is that college life brought about the importance of true relationships...relationships that stood the test of times. And even though in my everyday life my core isn't around me that love, confidence, and "swag" is. Because of that I now have the honor of sharing that precious gift with others and it is a powerful thing. Why? Because it refutes everything that the world says it true: women, especially black women, can't get along; the crab mentality, the I mentality, etc. Now I'm not naive to believe that those things don't exist in America but it is wonderful to know that we as a people strive to squash them. It really is beautiful! Women uplifting one another, people meeting new people, people unconditionally showing love and concern for others...in the midst of everything that went on this is what touched me the most and what I will remember the most (of course the A-list dress I wore will rank up there too)!

I really hope that others saw and felt this and most importantly will choose to pass it on. Reach back and give it because it really is golden and I learned that everyone doesn't have it or know how to receive it.

Until next time people....GO GREEN!!!

And still I ask, have you shown love today?